if you think you're lonely now... (Jodeci)

pride. can be a beautiful state. a magnificent sign of strength and courage. AND in the same moments it can help one embody, embrace, and dwell in loneliness.

my girl and i had an argument. and for one of the many reason i keep a room on the 1st floor, i was summoned there by her and oh yeah, pride. we made up the next day but when she came home that night with an attitude inquiring why I was in her bed, it was pride that made me pick up my asleep nephew and proceed back down to my suite. It was then that I told myself it would be a while before i return to her bed. but tonite is the first night i was not upset with her. the first night she left her scent on my lips, in my mouth, and... ummm *sniff... under my nose. but my pride won't let me walk up those steps and lay in that bed. and this ain't the first and wont be the last, that pride has brought me loneliness...

... wait until tonight.

I can't help there's nothing I want more... (Brandi)

I ran across a old picture of you the other day, and i am reminded again of how things used to be. how beautiful you are. And if I didn't already know... i am crazy. Crazy on so many levels for so many reasons. I am like an alcoholic and you are alcohol. I've been through AA. I have accepted that I can never have another drink even have gone several years without one- moved on in so many ways. When I ran across that beautiful sexy picture of you, it was like I was holding a bottle in my hand- admiring the look and the taste but knowing i can never drink. And not by my own will but by yours and so I have to be strong. Its been 5 years. I realize that this state... is me. you are forever who my mind will drift to. I am pathetic and it actually disgusts me. but this is me...

take me as i am.

And I know its going to be... (B. Withers)

This is the first Sunday I have had off it quite some time. I work a lot. Someone asked me yesterday if I was a work-a-holic. My girl immediately responded with a 'hell yeah'. I replied... "I'm just a hard worker :)"

Nonetheless, I am taking its this day. Loving this normal day for being just that. Onassis is sitting next to me on the floor. Tennille, Marven, Oniyah and Eyonnah are in the kitchen cooking Sunday dinner... 'Who's the Boss?' is on the TV. and this day truly is...

a lovely day.

... she shamppos me loc (d. marley)

i am starting my locing process. It frustrating and makes me feel ugly at times... but its rewarding. my hair is groing fast i think. and it is a process. I get that. i am suppose to be enjoying it. Taking it in. and so ... the times when my hair gets puffy and look like a afro when its suppose to look like loc. When it sticks up on top of my head when its suppose to hang and flo. I am suppose to appreciate those times or see the beautiful in my hair finding its way. Well I am definitely not like those moments. but I want my hair to findits way. Its is dificult cuz I think that my hair should be more "in control" than this. But it isn't. its wild... like its owner. and its being tamed... like its owner.

... beautiful!

Tomorrow will come and girl I can't wait... (Tony Toni Tone)

Well. How should I start? My anniversary was on the 6th, yesterday. My girl and I decided to wait til next week to celebrate this day next week. On that day, she bought me a gift and card. She asks me where her gift was or at least a card. What? We agreed to wait til next week. That means to me that everything should be given on that day. I said happy anniversary... am I wrong?

I feel like I can't win with this thing. I got clarification from her on what we are doing and now she is flipping the script. But..

... its our anniversary.

Money, money, money.... (OJays)

I am money hungry- I will admit that. Or may just a hard worker. With 4 kids and my woman, I need the OT. Damn it would be nice to not have to work to enjoy the finer things in life. Otherwise its paycheck to paycheck. I didn't go to school and bust my ass at work to live paycheck to paycheck. If I can just get out of debt, we would be alright. But thats my fault, and that has nothing to do with the kids or my woman. Anyway, I am worried about Christmas. With OT drying up at work, where will the extra money come for Christmas? Guess I better get on these EITs... lol... $10k would be a nice check to take home :)

.... some people got to have it!

Its been a long time coming.. (Sam Cooke)

There has been a little time since my last post, and a lot has happened. Tennille and I are back together. I am not 100% sure how I feel about that. but i knew that i wasn't ready to fully ready to leave. At the same time, i don't think i was fully ready to come back. That's how life is though. You have to take life as it comes. Now.. we hare making love all over the place. i know know the meaning of makeup sex. I don't think i ever realized that... yeah.. I'm slow.

Work is crazy- I don't think I got the promotion but its all good. i appreciate the opportunity. it was a great learning experiences. I am starting a project that will save the company 100's of thousands of dollars. I think we have a good plan, we'll see how it goes. I tend to get my hopes up about these types of things.

....but i know a change gone come.