He said turn 68, you'll re-negotiate...(J.Mayer)

I went to see my father today. He has been in the hospital for 3 days, and doing much better now I think. But this was strange for me...

All my life I have never know my dad to be sick. Never seen him in the hopital, never seen anything more than the flu. I know he isn't invincible but I guess I never let my mind go to the fact he may fall ill one day. I saw him a man today. Human. and it was strange for me to see this man I love in this condition.

He is interesting. Different. Hard. And his mouth.... i have his mouth. He can say some of the most hurtfull thing. And he can make me feel like a little girl and i know my weakness my lack of confidence. all of those things i see when he is around. i can do the same. He drives the nurse crazy. I think she wants to kick his ass. lol.

but this was different. hard to explain. and i guess all thats let to ask.... God- watch over my dada.

... don't stop this train.

Its been a long time, I shouldn't have left you... (Timberland)

Its amazing how times flies and I only seem to remember that when i reminise on the past. I looked back on this blog from Nov 2010 and I think about all that has transpired since. How quickly one can go from confident to arrogant to humbled. How quickly like can lift us up, and people can bring you down. It happens in a matter of moments when you look at the big picture.

I have a cigar upstairs. I was suppose to smoke it on new years but instead I slept. I was suppose to smoke it when I go my promotion but then my high got deflated. And I keep think... this is a cigar is for enjoyment and celebration and yet it has sat on the window seal for a month. And I have had so many triumphs.... but there it sits. Ummm...Life is what you make it....

SMOKE ONE with ya boy! (a. david)

Mothers be good to your daughters.... (J. Mayer)

Well. I have been covering the midnight shift this week. I have to say that I don't miss this one bit. Its tough to sleep with a girl and kids running around in the evening. Physically I am exhausted all the time. Bottom line is its un-natural. One more night.

I was listening to a John Mayer song, one I've heard a million times "Daughters". Also, my stylist and I had a conversation about parents. I really has me thinking about the type of parent I am. How I am shaping the minds and lives of some person. I thought about how I am critical and sometimes cold. I thought about many of my short comings actually. I thought how these "tiny humans" deserve so much better than what I give them at times. In the times of anger or exhaustion or frustration... how in those times they deserve to see the best me. In the times when it is hardest for me to be. And I get it now, not that I didn't before, but it was a semi-epiphany. How I deal with situations show them how to deal with life. And I don't want them to be angry people, mad-at-the-world type people. I want them to believe that they can overcome anything and have the power to change their circumstances. I want to be happy people who love the life they live, no matter the circumstance. I want them to be beautiful.

Maya Angelou always says, when you know better you do better.... I know now, and I want to do better because..

...Daughters will love like you do.

Go shawdy.... (50 Cent)

well. its been a good minute. too long. but times are... busy.

i celebrated a birthday on nov 9. It was a good day. Unfortunately I had to work and it seems like the days that followed were a blur. at times i feel overwhelmed with life. Work never ends. My girl is never satisfied. and what about what Andrea? Ha! who is that?

And so as I reflect as my 28 years on this earth,

I think about what I thought of a 28 when I was little. I remember my 5th grade teacher who was 28 when she taught me. I remembering adoring her. I remember thinking that she was young but grown, not far from me.

I think about where I was suppose to be financially. How I am far from that :\

I think about my career. How I am ready for a promotion.

And finally I think about the woman I want to be, and I am proud of myself. I am becoming a beautiful person even if these worldly positions have found their way into my life. God has sent me here to be as I am. Thank You for 28 years of this beautiful struggle....

... its ya birthday!

if you think you're lonely now... (Jodeci)

pride. can be a beautiful state. a magnificent sign of strength and courage. AND in the same moments it can help one embody, embrace, and dwell in loneliness.

my girl and i had an argument. and for one of the many reason i keep a room on the 1st floor, i was summoned there by her and oh yeah, pride. we made up the next day but when she came home that night with an attitude inquiring why I was in her bed, it was pride that made me pick up my asleep nephew and proceed back down to my suite. It was then that I told myself it would be a while before i return to her bed. but tonite is the first night i was not upset with her. the first night she left her scent on my lips, in my mouth, and... ummm *sniff... under my nose. but my pride won't let me walk up those steps and lay in that bed. and this ain't the first and wont be the last, that pride has brought me loneliness...

... wait until tonight.

I can't help there's nothing I want more... (Brandi)

I ran across a old picture of you the other day, and i am reminded again of how things used to be. how beautiful you are. And if I didn't already know... i am crazy. Crazy on so many levels for so many reasons. I am like an alcoholic and you are alcohol. I've been through AA. I have accepted that I can never have another drink even have gone several years without one- moved on in so many ways. When I ran across that beautiful sexy picture of you, it was like I was holding a bottle in my hand- admiring the look and the taste but knowing i can never drink. And not by my own will but by yours and so I have to be strong. Its been 5 years. I realize that this state... is me. you are forever who my mind will drift to. I am pathetic and it actually disgusts me. but this is me...

take me as i am.

And I know its going to be... (B. Withers)

This is the first Sunday I have had off it quite some time. I work a lot. Someone asked me yesterday if I was a work-a-holic. My girl immediately responded with a 'hell yeah'. I replied... "I'm just a hard worker :)"

Nonetheless, I am taking its this day. Loving this normal day for being just that. Onassis is sitting next to me on the floor. Tennille, Marven, Oniyah and Eyonnah are in the kitchen cooking Sunday dinner... 'Who's the Boss?' is on the TV. and this day truly is...

a lovely day.