Mothers be good to your daughters.... (J. Mayer)

Well. I have been covering the midnight shift this week. I have to say that I don't miss this one bit. Its tough to sleep with a girl and kids running around in the evening. Physically I am exhausted all the time. Bottom line is its un-natural. One more night.

I was listening to a John Mayer song, one I've heard a million times "Daughters". Also, my stylist and I had a conversation about parents. I really has me thinking about the type of parent I am. How I am shaping the minds and lives of some person. I thought about how I am critical and sometimes cold. I thought about many of my short comings actually. I thought how these "tiny humans" deserve so much better than what I give them at times. In the times of anger or exhaustion or frustration... how in those times they deserve to see the best me. In the times when it is hardest for me to be. And I get it now, not that I didn't before, but it was a semi-epiphany. How I deal with situations show them how to deal with life. And I don't want them to be angry people, mad-at-the-world type people. I want them to believe that they can overcome anything and have the power to change their circumstances. I want to be happy people who love the life they live, no matter the circumstance. I want them to be beautiful.

Maya Angelou always says, when you know better you do better.... I know now, and I want to do better because..

...Daughters will love like you do.

Go shawdy.... (50 Cent)

well. its been a good minute. too long. but times are... busy.

i celebrated a birthday on nov 9. It was a good day. Unfortunately I had to work and it seems like the days that followed were a blur. at times i feel overwhelmed with life. Work never ends. My girl is never satisfied. and what about what Andrea? Ha! who is that?

And so as I reflect as my 28 years on this earth,

I think about what I thought of a 28 when I was little. I remember my 5th grade teacher who was 28 when she taught me. I remembering adoring her. I remember thinking that she was young but grown, not far from me.

I think about where I was suppose to be financially. How I am far from that :\

I think about my career. How I am ready for a promotion.

And finally I think about the woman I want to be, and I am proud of myself. I am becoming a beautiful person even if these worldly positions have found their way into my life. God has sent me here to be as I am. Thank You for 28 years of this beautiful struggle....

... its ya birthday!

if you think you're lonely now... (Jodeci)

pride. can be a beautiful state. a magnificent sign of strength and courage. AND in the same moments it can help one embody, embrace, and dwell in loneliness.

my girl and i had an argument. and for one of the many reason i keep a room on the 1st floor, i was summoned there by her and oh yeah, pride. we made up the next day but when she came home that night with an attitude inquiring why I was in her bed, it was pride that made me pick up my asleep nephew and proceed back down to my suite. It was then that I told myself it would be a while before i return to her bed. but tonite is the first night i was not upset with her. the first night she left her scent on my lips, in my mouth, and... ummm *sniff... under my nose. but my pride won't let me walk up those steps and lay in that bed. and this ain't the first and wont be the last, that pride has brought me loneliness...

... wait until tonight.

I can't help there's nothing I want more... (Brandi)

I ran across a old picture of you the other day, and i am reminded again of how things used to be. how beautiful you are. And if I didn't already know... i am crazy. Crazy on so many levels for so many reasons. I am like an alcoholic and you are alcohol. I've been through AA. I have accepted that I can never have another drink even have gone several years without one- moved on in so many ways. When I ran across that beautiful sexy picture of you, it was like I was holding a bottle in my hand- admiring the look and the taste but knowing i can never drink. And not by my own will but by yours and so I have to be strong. Its been 5 years. I realize that this state... is me. you are forever who my mind will drift to. I am pathetic and it actually disgusts me. but this is me...

take me as i am.

And I know its going to be... (B. Withers)

This is the first Sunday I have had off it quite some time. I work a lot. Someone asked me yesterday if I was a work-a-holic. My girl immediately responded with a 'hell yeah'. I replied... "I'm just a hard worker :)"

Nonetheless, I am taking its this day. Loving this normal day for being just that. Onassis is sitting next to me on the floor. Tennille, Marven, Oniyah and Eyonnah are in the kitchen cooking Sunday dinner... 'Who's the Boss?' is on the TV. and this day truly is...

a lovely day.

... she shamppos me loc (d. marley)

i am starting my locing process. It frustrating and makes me feel ugly at times... but its rewarding. my hair is groing fast i think. and it is a process. I get that. i am suppose to be enjoying it. Taking it in. and so ... the times when my hair gets puffy and look like a afro when its suppose to look like loc. When it sticks up on top of my head when its suppose to hang and flo. I am suppose to appreciate those times or see the beautiful in my hair finding its way. Well I am definitely not like those moments. but I want my hair to findits way. Its is dificult cuz I think that my hair should be more "in control" than this. But it isn't. its wild... like its owner. and its being tamed... like its owner.

... beautiful!

Tomorrow will come and girl I can't wait... (Tony Toni Tone)

Well. How should I start? My anniversary was on the 6th, yesterday. My girl and I decided to wait til next week to celebrate this day next week. On that day, she bought me a gift and card. She asks me where her gift was or at least a card. What? We agreed to wait til next week. That means to me that everything should be given on that day. I said happy anniversary... am I wrong?

I feel like I can't win with this thing. I got clarification from her on what we are doing and now she is flipping the script. But..

... its our anniversary.

Money, money, money.... (OJays)

I am money hungry- I will admit that. Or may just a hard worker. With 4 kids and my woman, I need the OT. Damn it would be nice to not have to work to enjoy the finer things in life. Otherwise its paycheck to paycheck. I didn't go to school and bust my ass at work to live paycheck to paycheck. If I can just get out of debt, we would be alright. But thats my fault, and that has nothing to do with the kids or my woman. Anyway, I am worried about Christmas. With OT drying up at work, where will the extra money come for Christmas? Guess I better get on these EITs... lol... $10k would be a nice check to take home :)

.... some people got to have it!

Its been a long time coming.. (Sam Cooke)

There has been a little time since my last post, and a lot has happened. Tennille and I are back together. I am not 100% sure how I feel about that. but i knew that i wasn't ready to fully ready to leave. At the same time, i don't think i was fully ready to come back. That's how life is though. You have to take life as it comes. Now.. we hare making love all over the place. i know know the meaning of makeup sex. I don't think i ever realized that... yeah.. I'm slow.

Work is crazy- I don't think I got the promotion but its all good. i appreciate the opportunity. it was a great learning experiences. I am starting a project that will save the company 100's of thousands of dollars. I think we have a good plan, we'll see how it goes. I tend to get my hopes up about these types of things.

....but i know a change gone come.

... like leaving girls that love me (Drake)

I am so upset right now, about something that I even realize is petty. BUT fuck that! I have netflix and right now I should be catching up on the second season except for the fact that my dumb ass girlfriend don't know where she put the fucking dvds. How fucking stupid can you be? Its amazing how something so small can make me so damn angry. Its triggers a world of emotion... and leadings me thinking, "This is exactly why i don't want to be with her dumb as!" EXACTLY! and quite possibly why she shouldn't want to me with me either... Part of me is thinking that she is doing this on purpose probably has the cd in her possesion and don't want to say 'oh i took to work' or 'i ain't telling u cuz i dont want u watching it' or 'i am evil as hell so i aint saying shit just sit there and want something and wait til i get home to give it to u'... lol... I amd CRAZY!

... and constantly seducing ho's.

Some one between a lover and a friend... (Musiq)

In therapy today- I couldn't say it. say anything. I stood frozen as she asked me to tell what I was feeling. I wanted to scream. but instead i cried. and so I think it was good for me to.... just feeling something. frustration. anger. fear. love. heartache. i felt those things. and for that i am grateful. i think that i shouldn't go next week. take some time off to clear my head. i am so tired of talking. Tennille can go without me. it'll be good for her to discuss things alone. I love being there with her/for her. so this will be good for me.... to not be there. to wing myself off of that. I fear once I stop going that I wont return. I don't need therapy. She needs someone to talk to ... show her a different way...

...it feels good when she is around.

Betta leave that 9 to 5 up on the shelf... (M. J.)

Work- I had an interview today for a promotion at work. The whole time I was thinking, I am not ready for this position. I keep thinking there are others that are better then me. and perhaps that can across in the interview... but i am not sure why i doubt myself. i wish i could see in myself what other's see. I fell like i need to do something. something big. i have an idea.... i just gotta make it happen.

Home- I worked til 8 something so I didn't have to come home and deal with this. Deal with the loneliness of sharing the same home as the one you love but not able to talk to.... I stayed because all i wanted to be able to do was fall asleep and wake up early only to return. I fear this is what I will do when we are done. I fear that I will dive in. and drown in my work. because the alternative is well... deal with the fact that I am... alone.

Love- Guide me so that I can do what is meant for my life. I am emotionless. I can not feel anything. I need some guidance. I need to feel. Pain.

Nothing more to say... just enjoy yourself.

I'm emotional and I can't let go.... (Carl Thomas)

my mother was the daughter
of an unknown father
who didn't even bother
and it makes me wanna holla
how my daddy was the maker
of a crazy rump shaker
don't know why he didn't take the
time
to unwind
her twisted mind
or define
what should be left as "mine"


I thought this rhyme as a drove home today. not sure why this came to mind but it did. Today was a decent day. Separation is good. Time alone is needed. But inside I am so confused. Is a month enough time to decided our fate? Its seems too short after 4 years of love and making love. I have no feeling. I am not sure if this is self preservation or if i just can't fell anything right now- as if I am incapable of caring. When will this feeling cease to be? I need to feel something anything. I need these feelings to guide me. Show me the way. How I long to be....

EMOTIONAL.

Your Love... (Nicki Minaj)

I had a dream last night. about u. i don't remember it all but i do know we were together. you were waiting for me. and then someone took my place b/c.... i wasn't there. I'd left and didn't call so someone took my place. And so I woke up this morning... with you on my mind like i have done so often somewhere in a past life. I grabbed my phone hoping that you had written. or called. reached out to me somehow. but like many times before i was left with nothing but thoughts of you. Why? Do i still dream of you? after all this time. after all this space. oh i know...

because i loved you the way i have never loved anyone and will never love again...

.... DAMN your love.

Someday I'll be coming home.... (John Legend)

Its been a long time... I used to have a livejournal account back in my college days. And I loved it. I miss it. I miss being able to take my thought and put them down somewhere. ANd its nice... to be able to look back on thes moments. The good, the bad, the crazy and pathetic. Its definitely healing.

I am going through some thing in this life and I need something to run to... something to hold as my own. However temporary. I hope to keep this "blog" going for as long as I need it as long as it needs me. I hope.

.... somehow this feels like home.